Blood Stained Hands
by Fae Diamonde
Summary: Lance did what he had to do to keep them safe. But even knowing that he's still dealing with the consequences of his actions and he's not dealing with them very well. Hunk and Shiro are trying to help him but it's hard when Lance is pretending everything is fine. He's slowly getting worse and he'll eventually have to face what happened.
1. Chapter 1

Hello! Thank you so much for reading my fic. If there's anyone who remembers my Young Justice fics I do apologize that this isn't one of them. It's been hard to find inspiration since the show was canceled. I have found Voltron though and it's absolutely amazing! Please enjoy and feel free to drop a comment at the bottom :)

This takes place somewhere between the middle of season 2 and the middle of season 3.

* * *

Lance took two shaky breaths attempting to calm himself down. He was used to missions like this; him sitting in the perfect point to see his team and keep them safe while Pidge hacked into the systems to download any information that could lead them closer to her family and Keith, looking always unfazed by the stressful situation but focused, standing guard behind her.

The cold surface of the ledge he'd climbed onto bit into him even through the armor. Lance took another shaky breath. He hated this part. He felt trapped and amped and just wanted to move around or make some joke or remark to lighten the mood. He knew better, of course. Now wasn't the time for jokes, even if it did calm him down and keep him from tensing up waiting for something to happen. For the fighting to start.

They were currently in the middle of a mission to liberate a planet the Galra were using as a prison. They had 2 separate missions; Keith, Lance and Pidge were to get any and all information on Galran prisoners to try and locate Pidge's family. Shiro and Hunk were to release the prisoners on the planet and get them back to the castle safely. Lance was not initially comfortable splitting up as they didn't know enough about this planet to know for certain they would be successful, but Shiro made a very good point in saying that splitting up the tasks made them less likely to get caught and more likely that at least 1 of the teams would be successful. It still didn't make Lance any less on edge about the entire situation.

"How much longer do you need Pidge?" Lance asked. He hadn't meant it to sound like a whine and the responding groan from Pidge let him know it wasn't appreciated.

"Just a few more dobosh's Lance," she said not trying to hide her aggravation from him, "Think you can keep yourself from messing something up that long?"

Keith snorted over the coms and Lance bit his bottom lip. He tried not to let the self doubt creep up on him but even his team didn't have faith he'd be able to get through the mission without messing up somehow. These thoughts had been driving him crazy lately. He'd always had issues with his confidence, which had been made so much worse in the judgemental Garrison classrooms.

 _Useless._

He shook his head dragging his thoughts away from that dangerous territory. He wanted to say something to lighten the mood, something funny like he usually would. Anything to hide his self doubt and his hurt, but he couldn't. It was then that he saw what he should have seen ticks ago, they'd been found out. Sentry's were closing in quick. Lance grabbed his bayard and quickly set to work destroying as many as he could.

"Keith, we've got company," Lance said, trying to keep himself as serious as possible.

Lance felt himself melting into the moment. This was not useless. This was not waiting for an attack. This was taking action and taking out Sentry's. Nothing to worry over. It wasn't long before Lance had settled into a rhythm and started humming.

"Lance!" Keith and Pidge yelled over the coms together.

"What?!"

"Keep it down, you're distracting us!" Pidge yelled.

Another sting.

He hadn't even noticed he started humming. He never really did, it just happened. Just like the jokes and the comments whenever they were elbow deep in battle. He knew it frustrated and distracted the others and he honestly tried to keep it down but it settled him and gave him a rhythm and a calmness that he needed in these situations. It pulled him out of the situation so he felt less like their lives were on the line. If he joked and hummed it was just like being on the ship training or wondering around the ship. He never wanted to affect the rest of the team and he'd feel horrible if something he'd said or done ever led to the others getting hurt but he was learning that it wasn't something he could control, at least not anymore. It had accidentally become second nature to him and if he got too far into his zone it would just happen.

He choked down the humming and felt his arms instantly start to shake. He couldn't settle back into the moment. He was still hitting his targets, yes, but he had started aiming at any of them instead of aiming for the ones directly behind Keith. He knew he should be taking them down in a specific pattern but he just couldn't get himself to concentrate on it. He was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't concentrate but thankfully even in these moments there was a split second between his hands shaking and his finger pulling the trigger where he paused and held steady enough to take the shot. He was still shooting erratically though and wasn't watching Keith's back like he was supposed to. Keith was his usual amazing self and was more than able to handle the situation.

Lance was starting to feel himself settling back into the rhythm again when something caught his eye. A sentry, no a living breathing Glara soldier, was sneaking up on Keith and he hadn't noticed it. Lance took aim but faltered, he'd never killed someone before. Part of him understood that with every ship they destroyed there was the chance that lives were lost but he'd never looked through the scope of his gun and pointed it at a living breathing creature before. At least with the ships he'd convinced himself that there were only ever sentries on board. He sat frozen staring through the scope of his gun at the Galra closing in on Keith who was too distracted by the sentries and hadn't noticed yet.

He couldn't manage to make a sound, so frozen in the moment. Arm's shaking, worse than before, Lance tried to aim again but too late. The Galra had grabbed Keith by the back of his head and lifted him off the ground just as Keith had destroyed the last sentry. Lance could see Keith struggling to get free but the Galra squeezed his hand tighter dragging a groan from Keith who's struggles lessened. Pidge jumped from the computer she'd been at, bayard in hand, and lunged at the Galra. He saw her coming and batted her away like she was nothing. Pidge slammed into the wall, head and back cracking against it and she slumped down unconscious.

Anther groan was dragged from Keith by the Galra which startled Lance out of his terrified stupor. Keith was paler, if that was even possible, and looked about ready to pass out. He took aim, his hands shaking, took a deep breath and in the split second that his hands were still he fired. Keith dropped to the ground, landing on his feet and turned to fight the Galra. There was no need, Lance had hit his target perfectly and Keith watched the soldier sink to the ground with a gaping hole in his chest.

Lance stared shocked at what he'd done. He watched the Galra's head slam against the floor, watched the blood pool around him. His entire body shook. He felt the bile rise and climbed to his knees letting the contents to his stomach release into a pool next to him. His eyes returned to the Galra soldier and his body resumed the shaking. He'd killed someone. He'd taken a life.

He barely registered Keith leaning down to check on Pidge. He heard Hunk and Shiro rush to them. They must have changed their plans once they realised the 3 of them had been under attack. Hopefully they'd released all the prisoners and were just coming to check on them. Still Lance sat on his knees, clutching his stomach and staring at the dead soldier.

He must have had a family at home. Maybe a wife, maybe some children. Had he robbed children of a father? He didn't know anything about this Galra, who's life he'd stolen. Maybe he'd condemned his family to starve without someone to provide for them. Had he been dedicated to Zarkon or just a soldier doing his job, trying to keep himself and his family alive. Would his death lead to more deaths?

He couldn't stop the shaking and felt his stomach heaving again. The others hadn't noticed him yet. They were concerned with Keith and Pidge.

It wasn't until Shiro had convinced Keith that Pidge was ok that the attention had been brought from them. Out of the corner of his eye, because Lance still couldn't look away from the body, he saw Keith looking up and around.

"Lance!"

He flinched at the sound of his name. Keith was angry. Very angry.

"Lance get down here?!"

Lance slipped trying to get up from his cover place and gave his position away. Keith was there staring up at him, fury seething from him.

"What the hell happened?! You had a clear view of the Galra sneaking up on me and said nothing?! Did you think it was a joke?! That it would be funny to scare Pidge and I before you _saved the day_ and came down bragging?! Well we're waiting! Time to brag right?!"

Lance said nothing, he flinched at every word leaving Keith's mouth.

"Pidge is hurt! This isn't a joke Lance! Why do you always have to be like this?! Why can't you just get your shit together for once and do the mission right?!"

Lance still said nothing and slowly climbed down from the ledge. He felt horrible. His hesitation had gotten his team hurt. Pidge was unconscious and Keith, despite running around like he was fine, was not ok. He was pale and clammy and Lance was willing to bet he had a terrible headache.

"Keith," Shiro said gently with an unspoken warning.

"No!" Keith said stepping from Shiro's reach.

Lance flinched again then felt his gaze wander back to the Galra that he had killed.

"He does this every single time! He cracks jokes and hums songs and doesn't take any of this seriously all from his safe little space up out of reach all while we're down here trying not to get ourselves killed! He's a danger to the rest of us and if he can't watch our backs like he's supposed to then he's useless to the team!"

A small choked sob escape from his lips and Lance clamped his hand down over his mouth.

He vaguely heard Shiro and Hunk reprimand Keith but couldn't hear anything really over the sound of the blood rushing to his ears. _Useless_. There is was. They all thought it.

"Lance," Shiro or Hunk, he didn't know which, tried to call him.

"No," Lance said holding his hands up, "I'm going to get one of you killed some day if I keep behaving like this. I don't….I don't want that. I'm sorry. I'll… I'll be better." Lance turned away from his team, thankful that the tears he knew would come hadn't yet.

"We should get back to the castle," Shiro said.

The others tried to reach out to him but Lance had already started walking back to his lion. He could feel the hum of Blue. She'd sensed his distress and flown herself to meet him.

He climbed into his lion without looking back for the others. He'd messed enough up today and just wanted to get home without getting anyone else hurt.

"Thanks for coming to get me girl," he said petting the pilot's chair.

He felt her purr in response offering him comfort and support and all of the love she had for him.

Shiro had seen where Lance's eye kept wandering the entire time they'd been in that hall. Now that he was standing below the area Lance had been hiding he could smell, even from the ground, that Lance had thrown up. Lance was not ok and he'd been made exponentially worse by Keith's angry words. Shiro sighed. He knew Keith and knew that he hadn't meant most of what he'd said. He had a hard time dealing with his teammates being hurt and often lashed out when he felt like something was out of his control. But it didn't make what Keith said, or how he said it, ok.

"Keith," he started to say.

"I know," he said with his shoulders slumping.

Shiro put his hand on Keith's shoulder, "I understand that you're upset, you and Pidge got hurt and you were caught by surprise, but that was too much. Lance didn't mean for either of you to get hurt."

"He never does," Keith said looking at the ground, "but he does this every time and we just let him get away with it. It was only a matter of time before someone got hurt because of it."

"It's not as black and white as you make it out to be Keith. I'll take care of Lance when we get back. You just worry about getting yourself in a pod to heal ok?"

"But-"

"No buts."

Keith crossed his arms but followed behind Shiro and Hunk, who was carrying Pidge, to their Lions. He managed to stay on his feet but found himself swaying if he wasn't careful. His head was killing him and his neck wasn't doing much better.

Blue was waiting for them in the air when they arrived at their lions. Lance must have already climbed in and was ready to go but stayed behind to make sure they'd gotten to their lions alright.

"Ok team, let's get back to the castle." Shiro said, steering Black to grab Green before heading back.

"Lance?" Hunk said cautiously.

"Yeah?" Lance responded.

His voice was hoarse and Shiro couldn't tell if he was crying or not. Maybe he was just tired.

"You ok bud?" Hunk asked.

Lance didn't respond. Hunk tried to call him a few more times with no response.

"Just leave him be for now guys. Blue's flying steadily back to the castle, he probably just wants to be alone."

When Hunk had said his name, Lance began to choke up. He managed to force a hoarse Yeah out to let him know he was listening but when he asked if he was ok Lance couldn't take it anymore. He muted his com and curled deeper into the pilot's chair finally letting himself sink into the overwhelming need to cry. His entire body heaved with sobs and he felt Blue's presence surround him offering him all of her comfort and support. He was able to steer them back to the castle and Blue settled her presence around him to let him know she was here for him.

Lance didn't want to face the others just yet. Blue was giving him the support he desperately needed at that moment, whether he felt like he deserved it or not. Blue growled letting him know she was not pleased that he felt he didn't deserve her comfort and he sighed petting the pilot seat again letting her know that he still appreciated it.

He'd stopped crying by the time they had pulled into her hanger so he unmuted his coms to keep track of the others.

"Hunk, take Pidge right to the cryo-pods. I'll check on Keith and get him there."

"I'm fine Shiro. Did you guys manage to free the prisoners? Where are they?"

"They'd already been relocated to another prison before we arrived on planet. Don't think I didn't see you swaying on your walk to the lion."

Lance flinched. He'd known that Keith couldn't have escaped without injury but he had hoped at least that it wasn't nearly as bad as Pidge. At least not bad enough to need a cryo-pod. He hated that there hadn't been anyone to free. He wasn't sure if Pidge had managed to get any of the information they were looking for either. There was a chance that the mission was an entire bust, all because Lance couldn't suck it up and take the shot the first time.

He looked down at his hands curled into his stomach. They were still shaking, despite being pressed firmly against him. Why couldn't he get himself together?

Blue purred again. It would take time, Blue seemed to say.

"Blue?"

He could feel her again trying to tell him she was there. It was like he could almost hear her voice but not quite.

He sunk further into the pilot chair, if that was possible, and soaked up all of the warmth and comfort she offered. He would let himself be here for a little longer to give him the strength to stand up again. Then he would go and shower. He felt, he didn't know the word, dirty? No that didn't properly explain it. He felt like he had a stain on him and he'd need to scrub it off. It wouldn't be easy to wash away and he wasn't sure he'd be able to entirely. He looked down again at his shaking hands, this time pulling them away from himself. His gloves did not have the splash of blood his hands felt were on them.

He wanted to wash it all away.

Hunk placed Pidge in the cryo-pod. Shiro and Keith were right behind him.

"Hunk, do you know where Lance would go? I don't think he's going to meet us here," Shiro asked.

Hunk nodded but wasn't sure he wanted to share that information. He wasn't entirely sure what all happened between Lance, Keith and Pidge but Hunk knew Lance and he'd seen the look on his face. When he heard that choked sob that Lance had tried to stifle with his hands Hunk had nearly broke along with him. He'd known Lance a very long time and he'd never heard him make that sound before. He was worried about him and would go to find him without anyone else there to make it worse.

"I'll be able to find him," Hunk finally said aloud.

"Once I get Keith in the cryo-pod I'm going to go look for him, it would be easier if you told me where to look first," Shiro said.

Hunk stepped back, as if the act of stepping back would shield Lance, who wasn't even in the room with them, from the others. "Are you going to get mad at him?"

"He should," Keith muttered. During their flight back, Keith's anger at the blue paladin had reignited. He wasn't responding to Hunk's desperate attempts to talk to him and how dare he? He was the one who'd let all of this happen and he couldn't even respond?

"He shouldn't Keith," Hunk said firmly.

"He doesn't even have the decency to come and face us here. He let us down and he needs to face his consequences. He can't make jokes like that when we're in the field," Keith said.

"Lance wouldn't do that. He wouldn't use any of our safety as part of a joke and I think he faced more than his fair share of the consequences for his actions when you went on your little tirade and said that he was useless to the team," Hunk said stepping closer to Keith.

"Enough. Both of you," Shiro said stepping between them. "I know Hunk. I'm not going to get mad at him ok? I just want to make sure he's ok too," Shiro said softly.

"I'd still feel more comfortable checking on him myself first. Shiro, you're his hero and if he's as upset as I think he is then he wouldn't want you seeing him like this. Trust me. I'm just…. I'm a little scared for him, he's never blocked us out like that before. He's never blocked me out like that before," Hunk said.

Shiro understood and could accept that. He didn't think Hunk had really realised the entire situation, not sure if he'd seen the body or if his focus had been entirely on Pidge and mistook it for a sentry.

"I can agree to that. But I want to see him before he goes to sleep for the night. Can we agree on that?"

Hunk paused, he'd feel more comfortable giving Lance time but he trusted in Shiro and Shiro was Lance's hero. He didn't think Lance would be closed off to Shiro if he knew he was concerned for him.

"Ok deal. I'm going to look for him right now."

With Hunk gone Keith turned to Shiro. "You can't mean that you aren't mad?" He said.

"I can honestly tell you that I'm not mad with Lance. That was a difficult situation to be in and I'm mad that he was put in that scenario."

Keith didn't understand but didn't need to voice it. Shiro knew him well enough to know what he was thinking.

"Taking someone's life isn't easy. Even if they are the enemy. Even if someone you care about or your own life is on the line. It's something I'd hoped none of you would have to face so directly," he said putting his hand on Keith's shoulder.

"But we've blown up ships," he said.

"And I realise that there were potentially lives taken in those scenarios, and I'm sure that thought has crossed Lance's mind too, but it's still an entirely different situation looking directly at someone and pull the trigger or running a blade through them. Watching their body drop to the floor, see the blood pouring," Shiro could feel himself slipping into a flash back he tried to ground himself using his hand on Keith's shoulder to keep him present.

"Shiro," Keith snapped getting his attention.

Shiro stumbled back, forcibly thrown back into the present moment without fully leaving it. He felt a little disoriented but quickly shook the feeling away.

"Sorry, thanks. It's different ok? I need to check on him, and you need to get in the cryo-pod."

Keith nodded and reluctantly let Shiro help him into the pod.

Hunk checked Blue's hangar first, in case Lance was still seeking shelter there. It had been the last place they'd seen him but no luck. Hunk was torn where to go next. He knew that Lance would end up in the showers, the warm water relaxed him and he usually went there after a hard mission or when Shiro or Allura gave him another lecture, but it would depend on how long-ago Lance had left Blue if he was there yet. Hunk figured he'd head to his room first and if he wasn't there he'd head to the showers but he was hoping to find Lance in his room so they'd be left alone for at least a little while in the quiet comfortable space.

No luck in his bedroom. It left the showers. He didn't take any of his skin care products with him which was a bad sign. Hunk couldn't help but sprint to the showers. He wanted to find lance now.

He didn't have to even step inside to know Lance was in there. He could see the steam seeping out from the door, hear the shower on and the unmistakable sound of Lance sobbing. Hunk charged in prepared to face anything and immediately tripped. He toppled to the ground and looked back to see that Lance's outer armor had been dropped carelessly on the ground at the entrance. He looked up to where he could hear Lance and saw him. He'd ripped the under suit down exposing from his hips up the rest of his body. His tanned skin was tinted red where the water had been beating down on him and he was scrubbing his hands below the faucet sobbing.

"Lance?" Hunk whispered stepping closer to the shower. He could feel the heat radiating out of the showers and knew it was way too hot for Lance to be staying under there and not be hurting himself.

"I can't, it won't go away," he sobbed.

"What won't Lance?"

"The stain!" Lance cried continuing to scrub his hands raw.

Hunk reached into the water and immediately pulled his arms back out. The water was scalding. How was Lance standing it? Taking a deep breath, he reached for the control of the temperature and before Lance could register what he was doing he turned the heat almost entirely off. The water went from scalding to cool too quickly and Lance yelped. Hunk placed his hand on Lance's shoulder keeping him under the water and used his other hand to try and get his own outer armor off. Part of him wished he'd done this first but was glad he hadn't so that Lance wasn't still under that scaling water.

"Lance, I need you to stay under the water. I know it's cold, especially after how hot you had it but you need to cool yourself off. I think you burnt yourself."

Lance's teeth started chattering but his sobbing didn't slow. He kept trying to get out from under the water but Hunk, giving up on his outer armor, stepped into the cool water with him and leaned him back both exposing his burnt chest to the cool water and giving Lance as much comfort as he was able to.

"It's going to be ok buddy. I'm here with you. It's ok," Hunk said rocking them side to side.

Teeth still chattering Lance's sobs slowed to a sniffle. Hunk pulled his gloves off one at a time then very gently placed his hands over the reddest parts of Lance's chest. It was almost cool to the touch which meant they could almost step out of the water. Hunk gently guided Lance's red hands under the cool water. He hissed out in pain and his chattering turned to full body shakes but he didn't fight Hunk anymore and stayed where he was under the spray.

"Good. that's good," Hunk soothed.

Hunk kept them under the spray for a solid 20 minutes. He knew the recommended amount of time was 10 minutes but still held steady to make sure all the burns had cooled.

Lance had gone quiet and listened to Hunk humming and soothing him. It was exactly what he'd needed to calm down but kept sending small tremors of fear that the others would yell at them to be quiet. Lance was still caught up from being reprimanded earlier and Hunk was worried this extra sensitivity or disorientation may be a sign that a fever was setting in from being under the scalding water for so long and then right into the cool water.

"It's just us Lance, don't worry," Hunk said as if reading his mind.

Lance seemed to relax a little at that. He stopped tensing and looking towards the door as if at any moment Keith or Shiro was going to come barrelling in to tell him about everything he'd done wrong.

Hunk knew exactly what was going through Lance's mind, what every glance at the door meant, what every tense breath in meant. Lance had confided in Hunk when he was feeling particularly upset. He'd tell Hunk about every insecure thought he had. He also told him that it reminded him of being back at the Garrison sometimes when Shiro and Allura would lecture him, especially when it was during training and he just wasn't getting something they were working on.

Hunk stepped out of the shower first and turned off the taps then held his hand out for Lance to follow. Both were shaking after the shower and Hunk looked around for anything to wrap around themselves. Thankfully the closet was fully stocked and Hunk quickly stripped the rest of his outer armor off and wrapped a towel around himself, still dressed in his under suit. He then wrapped Lance in another towel and grabbed 2 more towels before leading Lance to his own bedroom to grab a change of clothes and then to Lance's where he knew they'd be spending the next couple of dobashes to a varga.

Hunk had started to dry himself off but noticed Lance was struggling to use his hands. Hunk suspected he'd burnt them worse than the rest of his chest and made quick work to help Lance dry off and change into dry pants first, leaving his burns exposed so he could treat them after. He then dried himself off and changed into dry clothes while Lance sat on his bed pressing his hands to his stomach and curling himself around them.

Each Paladin had a small first aid kit stashed somewhere in their room. Hunk and Lance had spent enough time in each others room that he knew exactly where to find it. Lance remained on his bed slowly coming out of the haze he'd been in since Hunk had found him in the showers.

Hunk sat next to Lance and opened the kit. He very gently hovered over Lance's burned skin to ensure it wasn't still hot to the touch or he'd have to get Lance back under cool water. Thankfully he wouldn't have to then proceeded to rub the gel Coran said would heal burns over his chest. He messaged a very healthy amount onto Lances chest then helped him put a light shirt on before starting on his hands.

Lance's hands were almost glowing. The skin was cool to the touch so it would be safe to place the gel on top of them but Hunk was worried about infection setting in. Lance had scrubbed his hands raw. As gently as possible Hunk covered his hands in the gel then wrapped bandages around his hands taking care to wrap his fingers individually so he would still be able to use them. It was not easy but with every passing moment Hunk could feel the tension leaving Lance which made it worth it to take the extra time.

Finally done Hunk looked up to Lance's face. His eyes seemed heavy and Hunk wanted more than anything to let him go to sleep but he'd promised Shiro he would let him see Lance before sleep.

"Lance?"

"Hm?" Lance hummed swaying left and right.

"Are you feeling better?"

"A little," he said quietly.

"Would you be ok seeing Shiro?"

Lance's eyes shot open and he started clambering to his feet. Hunk reach up and pulled Lance flush against him, sending a silent apology when Lance hissed from the contact against his burns.

"Don't worry buddy, he just wants to see if you're ok. He's not mad."

Lance was still rigid against him but he felt him nod. Hunk debated leaving Lance behind but worried they'd come back and he'd be asleep or scrubbing at his hands again, so Hunk helped Lance to his feet and started towards the med bay where he'd seen Shiro last.

Once he realised where he was being lead Lance started to fight. He didn't want to see Pidge and Keith in the pods. He didn't deserve to have his guilt lessened by seeing them in the pods getting better. He needed to stew so that he never let something like this happen again. He also worried Hunk would put him in a pod for the burns and Lance didn't want that. He needed to feel the stinging on his hands so he didn't feel the stains.

Hunk didn't force him any further but didn't let him get away either. Instead he pulled Lance into a hug and leaned against the wall using the castle com system.

"Shiro, Lance and I are heading to the lounge if you want to meet us there," he said then began walking, still supporting Lance in a tight hug, towards the lounge.

Shiro walked in shortly after and noticed Hunk with Lance pulled tightly against him on the couch. From the looks on his face Shiro felt it was just as much to comfort as to keep him from running away. Shiro noted the bandages on his hands and the redness around his eyes.

"Are you ok Lance? I thought you weren't hurt in the attack?" He said kneeling cautiously in front of them.

"It wasn't from the attack," Hunk whispered.

"What happened?"

"I found Lance in the showers. The water was scalding hot and he was scrubbing at his hands. We've treated the burns for now," Hunk still whispered rubbing his hands up and down Lance's back.

"Lance, what's going on? What happened with the showers?"

Lance sniffed and tensed but Hunk soothed him and kept rubbing up and down his back relaxing him slightly.

"They won't come out Shiro," Lance whispered in a voice so small and full of fear.

"What won't come out Lance?"

"The stains," he whispered holding his bandaged hands up to Shiro to see.

"Do you see the stains?" He asked trying to keep his voice understanding and comforting.

Lance shook his head.

Good, Shiro thought. "How do you know they're there?"

"I can feel them."

"Right now?"

Lance shook his head again, "No right now they sting because I scrubbed until I couldn't feel them anymore."

Shiro didn't push the subject further and gently ran his fingers through Lance's hair. Usually Lance would lean into them desperate for affection but this time he leaned away.

"Lance, does your head hurt?"

Lance shook his head.

He tried running his fingers through Lance's hair again and was met with the same reaction.

"Lance what's going on?"

"I don't deserve to feel better," he mumbled.

Shiro frowned. He didn't like seeing any of the paladins like this and it was rare to see Lance feeling like this. A part of him new that Lance must feel this way too sometimes, especially when looking at Hunk's face who seemed unphased by Lance's words. Hunk didn't look like someone hearing this for the first time and it stung Shiro that he'd never noticed before.

"I think he's a little disoriented from a fever setting in," Hunk whispered continuing to rub his hands up and down Lance's back.

"Hunk, I know you want to be here for Lance but I'd like to talk to him just us."

Hunk had let Lance go, who immediately curled away from them on the other side of the couch, and stood up. He wanted nothing more than to scoop Lance up and overwhelm him with cuddles to make him feel better but there was something unsaid in the way Shiro asked him to leave and Hunk trusted in his leader.

"You aren't going to lecture him, are you?" He said unable to hold back the need for reassurance that Shiro would be ok left alone with Lance. He trusted Shiro but he also knew that as leader sometimes he needed to lecture them and Lance just wasn't in a good place to receive a lecture right now.

Shiro shook his head smiling a little, "Hunk I promise I will not get mad or lecture him. He doesn't need anymore punishment and I don't think he ever did over this. Ok?"

Hunk nodded and brushed his fingers through Lance's hair, "I'll come back and get you when you're ready for bed ok?" He whispered then left the room.

Hunk thought that something more happened back on that planet. It wasn't like Lance to get this upset over Keith getting angry at him. He would wait at least a few days before he asked Lance to give him the opportunity to bring it up first.

Shiro felt a little jealous that Lance hadn't shrugged away from Hunk. He also felt ashamed for feeling that way and worried that Lance had shrugged away from him and what that might mean.

He sat next to Lance and waited patiently for him to uncurl from around himself. He wasn't used to seeing Lance look this fragile and he didn't want to make anything worse but he also wanted to talk to him about how he was feeling and what had happened.

Slowly Lance uncurled enough that Shiro felt confident starting the conversation he wanted to have.

"Lance?" Shiro said tentatively and slowly inched closer to him.

"Yeah?" He asked.

Lance was sitting with his knees against his chest and resting his head on them. Shiro had always known that of all the Paladins Lance was the most sensitive, and he certainly didn't feel it was a bad thing. Lance had an uncanny ability to connect with people because of this. He was so open and didn't usually hide from his emotions. But even Shiro had never seen Lance like this. Of course, he didn't think Lance had ever been through something like this before.

"How are you doing buddy?"

"Better," he said.

"Good I'm glad Lance. You do deserve to feel better," he said.

Lance flinched but didn't curl further into himself.

"You saved them. I know you wish you'd been able to do it sooner before either of them got hurt but you saved them."

"I," Lance started. He seemed unsure what he wanted to say and just sat there staring at the floor unblinking and uncertain.

"You did what you had to do to keep everyone safe."

"I wish I'd reacted sooner," Lance said.

"That doesn't matter. You reacted and everyone is safe."

"I," he started then sighed, "Yeah."

Shiro didn't feel entirely convinced Lance was really agreeing with him. But, and he hated to admit it, he didn't really know Lance well enough to tell if he was lying or not.

"I'm not really even sure why I got so worked up Shiro. I'm sorry I'm better now," he said smiling just a little too big.

Lance stood from the couch but Shiro grabbed tightly to his wrist, careful not to touch his bandaged hands.

"It can't be that easy Lance. Tell me about the stains," he said.

The smile fell from Lance's face immediately and he dropped back down onto the couch.

"You ever had a pen explode on your hands?" Lance asked.

Shiro nodded feeling a wave of relief that Lance was going to talk about it.

"The ink dries and no matter how much you rub it with a towel none of the ink will come off but you can still feel it there. Almost like a layer of skin on top of yours that isn't yours. It kind of felt like that. I'm sure it'll go away right?"

"It doesn't," Shiro whispered.

"But,"

"Its doesn't Lance," he said trying not to sound angry but serious, "It lessens and becomes part of who you are but it doesn't go away."

Lance started at him mouth open, eyes big and scared. Shiro rarely talked about his time with the Galra and in the arena but they'd all had their suspicions and even Lance could read enough between the lines to know that right in this moment Shiro was opening up about that time and about the things he had done.

"You've?" He said unable to finish the sentence.

Shiro took a deep breath, "Yeah. It was…. It was kill or be killed in the arena. I've got my own stains to bare."

Lance took Shiro's hand in his, wincing at the pain. He knew that they were moving into territory that Shiro wouldn't be comfortable with and Lance didn't want him to be uncomfortable to get hurt.

"I'm ok now," Lance whispered.

"Lance, I don't think you are," he said using his metal arm to help cool the burns through the bandages on his hand.

"You have more important things to worry about than me right now. Hunk is gonna stay in my room with me tonight ok?" Lance said forcing a small smile on his face trying to convince Shiro that he didn't need to try and make this better.

Shiro was not convinced but he could feel the tension in Lance. He sighed knowing Lance wouldn't be willing to share anymore tonight, and Shiro didn't have the heart to sit him down and force him to either. It was bringing up his own buried memories and feelings and if Shiro was being honest with himself he didn't want to confront them anymore than Lance wanted to talk with him any further tonight.

"You promise you'll come to me if you need anything?"

Lance used his free hand to solute him. That forced small smile graced his features again and Shiro winced. He was learning more about Lance than he had ever realised he didn't know. Lance was always smiling and after watching him force the large smile and then these two small ones Shiro wondered how many smiles Lance forced to put them at ease. How many times had Lance smiled for their sake when he wanted nothing more than to go and cry alone somewhere so that he wouldn't burden them?

Shiro worried about the quick change in him; One moment he was being forced to stay put by Hunk and avoiding the physical contact he usually desperately craves, then the next he claims to be better. He knew better than anyone that Lance was not ok and it was going to take time to get back there. But for now, he would respect his wish to be left to himself and he would monitor him.

For tonight he would leave him with Hunk to tend to his hurts.

"Lance, I want to talk to you more about what happened. About the soldier. I won't push you more about it tonight. But I want you to know that I'm not going to just dismiss this and pretend it didn't happen, and I don't want you to either. I'm here if you want to talk, and I really want you to talk about it. That stain isn't going to go away. It's going to lessen, yes, but it isn't going to go away," he said holding eye contact to ensure Lance was listening, "I just want you to remember one thing. You did what you had to do to keep everyone safe. If you hadn't shot that soldier and killed him Keith and Pidge would not be in cryo-pods healing."

Lance nodded, swallowing a lump then forced that small smile on his lips again. Shiro's heart broke at the sight of it. He would certainly be watching Lance closer from now on to make sure that all his smiles were genuine. He'd have to convince him that it was ok to not be ok first though.

"Chant it to yourself if you ever feel overwhelmed. It helped me," he said and motioned to Lance that he was finished so he could go if he wanted to.

Lance waved and left headed towards the kitchen where he knew Hunk would be waiting.

* * *

Thank you again so much for reading this! Chapter 2 will be up very shortly and I've already started chapter 3. I think this will only be 3 chapters but they're at least decent sized chapters. Please feel free to drop a comment, I love hearing feedback. Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it!


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again! Thank you so much for reading. I hope that you're enjoying where this is going and I look forward to finishing this one.

* * *

Hunk was not in the kitchen. Lance had left right from the lounge assuming that was where he would find his friend but he wasn't there. Feeling a little lost Lance just stood in the kitchen staring at the stove like it was going to tell him where to find Hunk. He felt himself chuckle, he was losing it wasn't he?

He grabbed himself a glass of water so he didn't feel like the trip was a waste of his time and slowly started meandering back to the lounge. He remembered Hunk saying he'd come back to get him when he was ready but he hadn't wanted to wait there with Shiro at the time. He really appreciated what Shiro was trying to do. He was more surprised than anything considering he had expected him to lecture him. If Lance hadn't been humming and distracting them Keith wouldn't have gotten irritated at him and he'd probably have noticed the Galra sneaking up on him. Lance needed to take more care during his missions for this very reason. And he couldn't understand why Shiro hadn't said any of that.

He nervously peaked his head through the door relieved to see it empty. He didn't want to talk about this anymore tonight and he certainly didn't want to give Shiro the chance to change his mind about the lecture.

He knew that Shiro didn't mean any harm when he'd get upset with him. He knew that he just wanted to keep the team, including Lance, safe and alive. But sometimes, sometimes he tried so hard to get something right and no matter how many times he tries he just can't get it and without meaning to he hides his embarrassment and insecurity behind jokes and false bravado. It's his own fault really. He'd spent so much time building up this care free appearance that even when he doesn't make a joke they assume that he's joking around pretending not to get it to waste time.

He'd been finding it harder to hide behind his persona lately though. He knew Hunk had noticed but it was different with Hunk. He told Hunk when he was upset and what was bothering him so he knows what to look for when Lance smiles and pretends that he's alright. Like when Lance pretends he meant to go left instead of right as a joke because what kind of idiot would go the wrong way unless it was on purpose.

"Hey, I thought you were going to call me when you were done?" Hunk said walking into the room startling Lance from his thoughts.

"I thought you went to the kitchen," he said holding his glass of water up.

Hunk nodded, "I saw Shiro in the hall so I figured I'd come see if you were tired and wanted to head to bed?"

Exhaustion seemed to hit Lance like a freight train leaving him swaying on his feet. He didn't know how he'd been this tired and not noticed.

Hunk chuckled, "I figured you would be. You looked ready to drop before I even brought you here to talk to Shiro. I guess it's finally catching up with you huh? Want a piggy back?"

Lance nodded and placed the glass on the table closest to him before clambering onto Hunk's offered back. It hurt his chest and hands but he welcomed the pain glad that he couldn't feel his hands.

"I figured that I should pick our outer armor up off the floor of the bathroom and hang them to dry while you were talking with Shiro," Hunk explained as he walked them towards Lance's room, "Then I went to my room and grabbed my stuff so we could have a sleep over, if that's ok with you?"

Lance nodded, already feeling his eyes start to droop closed. He could feel Hunk chuckle again. He breathed in deep, letting himself relish in the care Hunk was giving him. He was feeling quite torn about it. He was feeling a little lost and upset, which he supposed was the fever Hunk mentioned earlier. He was also still feeling like he didn't deserve to feel better because the others were hurt because of him. But he also really wanted Hunk to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok.

Keith and Pidge were in healing pods getting better and Shiro had seemed understanding and told Lance that he'd done the right thing, so he let himself be carried back to his room where he would get a big hug from Hunk and let him tell him it was going to be ok. He could feel Blue purring in agreement and reassuring him in the back of his mind.

The door to his room opened with a quiet hiss. Hunk hadn't just grabbed his stuff, Lance noticed, he'd grabbed his mattress and bedding as well. How long had Lance and Shiro been talking? Lance slowly sunk from Hunk's back and surveyed his room. Hunk had pulled his own mattress off the bed and set it next to his, probably anticipating that Lance would want to cuddle. Lance wiped a few stray tears from his face and launched into Hunk's already open arms.

" _Gracias hermano_ ," he whispered.

Both boys climbed onto their mattresses facing each other. Hunk opened his arms again and let Lance curl into his chest then brushed his fingers through his hair.

"It's going to be ok," Hunk whispered soothingly.

Lance, feeling safe and comfortable, nodded unable to keep himself awake any longer.

Lance woke up half way through the night. He was still curled against Hunk's warm chest with arms wrapped around him making him feel secure, safe and loved. He was grateful that Hunk was so willing to indulge Lance with his need for cuddles and hugs. At the Garrison people had often made fun of them for their public displays of affection and often mistook them for being in a relationship. Lance wasn't sure if Hunk had been worried about the rumors or not but he never once said anything and Lance hadn't ever cared himself. They knew what their friendship was and how important they were to each other and for Lance that was all that mattered.

He smiled a small real smile and rubbed his face against the fabric of Hunk's t-shirt. He was glad that he hadn't dreamed of the soldier or his family. When he'd climbed onto his mattress earlier he didn't even have a chance to think about anything before he'd drifted to sleep because he was so drained. But now he had plenty of time. He'd woken up, well before he was supposed to, and he couldn't get his mind off the possibilities that awaited him in sleep.

He very carefully and quietly snuck from their makeshift beds so he could see the alarm clock that Hunk had built for him. 0400. He shrugged, it wouldn't be so bad to avoid going back to sleep. Shiro would probably be up in the next varga and Keith- Lance flinched remembering that Keith was probably still in a cryo-pod. If Keith had been released from the cryo-pod he'd probably sleep in.

Something the cryo-pods were not good at was replenishing sleep. They always, well at least Lance always, felt exhausted when they emerged from the pods.

"Lance? Everything ok?" Hunk asked sounding groggy.

"Just need to use the washroom. Go back to sleep I'll be right back," Lance whispered kneeling down and patting Hunk's back.

"Kay," Hunk grumbled.

It was quiet in the castle. The halls were darkened which Coran had told him was more for aesthetics than actual function but he did say it also served to help save power in the castle leaving only the important settings running fully. It was nice not being blinded stepping into the hall. He walked the familiar path to the washrooms, his feet stinging from the cold.

Lance could hear murmuring up ahead and fought the urge to bolt back to his room. Part of him still felt the castle was haunted and nothing was ever going to convince him fully that it wasn't. Ignoring his nerves, he continued down the hallway. The murmuring got closer and he realised it was Coran helping Keith back to his room, probably fresh from the cryo-pod. He had two options, keep going and risk getting into another confrontation between himself and Keith or hightail it back to his room to avoid them.

Lance leaned against his bedroom door panting and feeling ashamed of himself. It wasn't like this was the first time Keith had been angry with him. Damnit, he was being a coward.

He climbed back onto his mattress, glad he hadn't really had to go in the first place and curled back against Hunk. He wasn't going to be able to go to sleep. He kept worrying that he would dream of the soldier or his family and he didn't want to risk waking Hunk or making him worry more than he already was. He knew it would upset Hunk if he knew that Lance was holding something back from him, especially something this big, but he kind of hoped he could ignore it until it went away. He could pretend anyway. Eventually he'd talk to Hunk, or Shiro, or both of them. He'd also eventually have to face Keith and, when she was released from the cryo-pod, Pidge. But for now, he'd just soak up the heat from Hunk and force himself to think of anything else. Blue once again rumbled in the back of his mind and he sent her a silent apology for waking her. If he woke her. Did the lions sleep? Either way, he was sorry for bothering her.

Lance laid perfectly still for the 4 varga it took Hunk to wake up, well mostly still. He'd had plenty of time to think and had even tried to get back to sleep, despite deciding that he wouldn't, but flashes of the dead soldier's body surrounded by blood startled him back to the conscious world reminding himself that now that he wasn't exhausted he wouldn't have a dreamless sleep. It was hard not getting up after that. He wanted to wander the castle or sit with Blue, anything to keep himself and his mind moving but Hunk would wake up alone and know something was wrong. He'd hunt him down and force him to talk about it. He didn't want Hunk to know what he did if he didn't already know.

Shiro's words replayed in his head, _you did what you had to do to keep everyone safe_. It lessened the knot of nerves in his stomach but didn't make them go away. He clutched the fabric of Hunk's t-shirt, hissing in pain as his hands were still quite hurt from his shower. Hunk shifted and grumbled sending Lance into a small panic that he'd woken him. He forced his body to relax against Hunk so that if he did wake up he would think Lance was sleeping but hoping that it would serve to keep Hunk asleep.

Hunks breathing once again evened out and Lance released the breath that he'd been holding. Forcing himself to stay relaxed took enough of his energy and concentration that he was occupied until he felt Hunk stirring again, this time at a much more reasonable hour. Quickly he closed his eyes and evened his breathing out to feign sleep.

"Morning," Hunk mumbled rolling onto his back, taking Lance with him.

Lance forced himself not to respond. It would be strange and out of character for him to be awake already.

He never realised that Hunk said good morning to him even if he wasn't awake before and wondered if he knew that he was really awake. It was difficult from his new position half on top of Hunk and half tucked into his side not to move into a more comfortable position.

Hunk chuckled and ran his fingers through Lance's hair, "C'mon buddy it's time to get up."

Still Lance did not respond. Hunk continued to chuckle but rolled onto his side rolling Lance onto his back in the process.

"Lance, buddy," he said gently shaking him.

At this Lance finally started to grumble and stir, playing his part perfectly. Part of him felt guilty, this felt like a lot of effort to pretend he was alright when he knew Hunk would be more than happy to be there for him. But he didn't want to burden Hunk with this. It felt too big, even for Hunk's big heart and warm hugs.

"Time to get up Lance," Hunk whispered continuing to shake him.

Lance rolled out of Hunk's reach and grumbled asking for a few more minutes, trying to sound groggy.

Hunk laughed and pulled the blankets off him, "no Lance, time to get up now. You're gonna help me make breakfast."

He opened his eyes, pretending to look grumpy at Hunk who only laughed and rolled him back over so they were facing each other.

"Did you sleep ok?" He asked.

Lance nodded. He technically did sleep well, for the portion of the night he was asleep. Hunk's smile brightened and Lance relaxed feeling he'd done the right thing pretending and ignored the nagging guilt.

They got dressed quickly and Hunk mentioned he'd come back later for his stuff then headed towards the kitchens. Thankfully they were the only ones there. He knew Keith would most likely be at breakfast, although he desperately hoped that Keith would sleep through breakfast. It had only been 4 varga since he was brought back to his room from the cryo-pod after all.

His prayers had been answered. Keith hadn't joined them for breakfast and Lance was given at least another few varga until he'd have to face the red paladin.

Hunk had given him one more look over at breakfast and must have decided that Lance was ok because he told him he had some stuff to work on in the kitchen then in Yellow's hangar but Lance was welcome to join him it he wanted. Lance shook his head itching to go to Blue. They waved to each other then went their separate ways.

Blue was very loudly purring when he entered her hangar. He wasted no time walking up the ramp and dropping down into the pilot chair.

He talked to her for almost half the quintant. He told her about his family, being back at the Garrison and about his insecurities. She already knew a lot of the stories he told but it kept his mind busy and she purred her encouragement for him to go on. More and more it felt like he could just almost hear her voice. As if she was struggling to send him more than just her feelings and rumblings. He understood her but he could tell she wanted to do more for him. He smiled petting the pilots chair and sunk as far into the chair as he possibly could. Her purring lulled him to sleep.

 _The cold bit into him through his armor. He looked around startled realising where he was as his elbows dug into the ground. He was back on that planet. He looked through his scope just as the soldier grabbed hold of Keith. With a quick twist of his wrist the Galra soldier snapped Keiths neck and dropped him to the floor._

 _Lance was frozen. This wasn't right. He'd done what he had to do to keep them safe. They were supposed to be safe._

 _They were supposed to be safe._

 _Pidge launched herself at the Galra, Lance tried to take aim but his arms wouldn't move. He couldn't do a thing other than watch as he swatted Pidge into the wall and she dropped down unconscious. Without Keith to deal with there was nothing keeping his attention away from her. Lance still couldn't move. This is where he was supposed to shoot the Galra saving them both._

 _Tears streamed down his face as the soldier ripped the helmet off Pidge's head. He dragged her next to Keith and lifted her up then smashed her head into the ground, just once. There was a huge crack and Pidge made a small gurgled sound but as Lance watched the blood seep from the back of her head he knew that she was gone too._

 _His failure to shoot had cost both of them their lives. He stared at their motionless bodies uncaring as the soldier slowly progressed towards him. He tried to move again, to do anything to try and help them even though he knew it was already too late._

 _The soldier had eventually reached him._

" _You killed me," he said._

 _Lance stared at him, shaking._

" _You killed me," he repeated then pointed down at Pidge and Keith's bodies, "so I killed them."_

Lance bolted from the chair landing hard on the ground. He was covered in sweat and couldn't catch his breath. He clutched at his chest, fingers tangled in the fabric of his shirt. He couldn't breath. He couldn't breath. He couldn't breath.

Blue rolled to the side sending Lance flying through her cockpit and slammed into one of the consoles. This seemed to knock the breath back into him and he gulped it in greedily.

Her presence surrounded him, checking him over. He clutched at his chest and took deep breaths trying to steady himself. He didn't have the strength to wave her off and reassure her he was fine because he most definitely wasn't fine. He desperately wanted to find Keith and Pidge and reassure himself that they were alive but he still couldn't bring himself to face either of them yet.

Blue, the beautiful lion that she was, reached to the other lions and sent him their reassuring presence confirming that their paladins were alive. He sunk to the floor then, feeling completely drained. His burns hurt, his chest hurt, his head hurt and his heart hurt. Lance let himself cry again, hoping to release some of the pressure his chest and heart were feeling.

It didn't help.

"Thanks beautiful," Lance whispered hoarsely once he was finished crying. She's surrounded him with her presence reassuring him that he was her amazing pilot and she loved him.

He climbed to his feet, scrubbing his face, and stumbled from Blue. He wanted to wash his face and erase the evidence of his tears so the others wouldn't see.

His hands ached from using them so much. He'd need to see what kind of damage he'd done to them but was still thankful he couldn't feel much more than the pain and bandages on them. Maybe he'd start wearing gloves like Keith and Shiro so that he could focus on the feeling of the gloves on his hands.

Luck was still on his side as he'd managed to make it to the washroom without bumping into any of the others. He scrubbed his face with cold water, pleased to see the redness around his eyes diminish. The cold water soaked into his bandages both stinging and relieving his hands. He grabbed a small wash clothe and soaked it through so that he could keep cooling the skin on his face while he walked back to his bedroom. He would need to change the bandages on his hands and check on the ones on his chest. He had to take good care of them or he'd be forced into a cryo-pod.

His walk back to his bedroom was the moment his luck ran out. There was Keith, not waiting outside his room but looking like he'd probably been looking for him.

"Lance," he said, eyes narrowing.

Lance wrung the cloth between his hands nervously, wincing at the pain and stiffness in his fingers.

Keith's eyes narrowed further, if that was even possible without closing his eyes, and stared at his hands twisting the cloth.

"What happened to your hands?" He asked.

"N-nothing," Lance stammered out.

Once again Lance was frozen and he cursed his body for betraying him. He just wanted to disappear into his room. His nightmare was still too fresh and he didn't want to fight with Keith right now.

"Did you hurt your hands getting down yesterday? You couldn't even do that right huh?"

Lance couldn't tell if Keith was seriously asking him or teasing him. But he couldn't hide the hurt that flashed across his face and he couldn't pretend he didn't understand the annoyance that flashed across Keith's when he looked at him.

"No," he said, finding his voice hoarse and tired.

Blue startled him by wrapping her presence around him again and it was the jolt he needed to walk past Keith and into his room letting the door close behind him. He let out the shaky breath he'd been holding and sunk onto his mattress that was still situated on the floor. He didn't fall asleep again. He pulled the discarded first aid kit into his lap and unwrapped his hands. They were blistered and red and some places were peeling. They hurt.

He opened the tube of gel Hunk had used last night and soaked his hands in it, feeling instant relief. Then he attempted to wrap new bandages on them. It did not work. He couldn't get his hands to wrap the bandages as nicely as Hunk had. He was going to need help.

He got to his feet just as there was a pounding on his door.

"Lance!"

He tilted is head back with a groan, Keith was at his door. Not just Keith, angry Keith.

He very quickly wrapped his hands up enough that Keith wouldn't be able to see the damage he'd done to himself then opened the door planning to barrel past him to Hunk with his first aid kit.

"What happened to your hands Lance?! Trying to do anything to get sympathy out of Shiro or the others huh?! Didn't think you could get yourself out of trouble unless you'd hurt yourself?!"

Lance halted, his mouth opened and closed. He couldn't find his voice. Even if he could speak he didn't know what to say to this. He'd never thought of hurting himself to make the others feel sorry for him. He'd never do that.

"Well you won't get that from me! What you did out there was unforgivable!"

Lance stepped back. _Unforgivable_. He looked own, trying desperately to keep himself from breaking down in front of Keith.

He tried to keep his breathing even. He clutched at his chest as best he could, it was hard with the bandages wrapped the way they were.

 _Unforgivable_.

He started to hyperventilate and didn't hear what else Keith said. _Unforgivable_. He looked up at Keith, he was still scolding him but he couldn't hear anything he was saying. _Unforgivable_. Tears streamed down his face and Keith took a step back, faltering.

Shiro was suddenly in front of him. His hands were digging into Lance's arms. He was saying something. What was he saying? His lips were moving and he thought he might be calling his name.

Blue was surrounding him then. She felt closer.

"Lance look at me," Shiro said.

Ah there it was. He could hear him now. He looked into Shiro's face. He looked concerned but his face melted into an understanding smile as soon as their eyes met.

"There you are," he said, "hey buddy."

"I need to find Hunk," Lance said.

"He's in yellows hangar. Would you be able to do me a favour before you go there?" Shiro asked.

Lance nodded slowly.

"Blue left her hangar and is currently sitting in the main entrance. Would you be able to take her back to her own hangar before you go to Hunk?"

He was being so gentle with him and Lance nodded. He'd do anything for Shiro, especially when he was being this kind to him.

Lance didn't let himself focus back on what Keith had said. He was worried it would set him off again and instead focused on Blue calling him to come and get her.

Shiro turned to Keith, who at least looked shocked and uncomfortable.

"What happened?" He asked.

He wasn't mad. He was upset that Lance had gotten so upset but he wanted to know what had happened between them to set Lance off like that. Blue too.

Shiro had known immediately that something was going on with Lance when the Blue lion had forced her way, without doing any kind of damage, out of her hangar and somehow managed to get into the castle main entrance. Shiro calmed her down enough to keep her from forcing her way through the castle, which would have ended in damage being done, and promised to find Lance himself.

"I didn't- I just."

"Keith, what happened?"

"I was just talking to him and then he started hyperventilating and then you were there."

Shiro sighed. Something Keith said must have trigged him.

"What exactly did you say?"

Keith looked away, clearly nervous to admit what he'd said.

"I'm not mad Keith. I just need to know what you said so I can figure out what happened to Lance. Did he say something to you?"

"I asked him about his hands."

"Is that when he started hyperventilating?"

"No," Keith said.

"Ok, keep going," he said putting his hand on Keith's shoulder to encourage him.

"I started giving him a hard time about what happened back there."

"I need to know exactly what you said please Keith."

He took a deep breath in. He did not want to admit to Shiro that he had been here lecturing Lance in his place because Shiro wasn't going to.

"I asked about his hands. I assumed he'd gotten them hurt climbing down yesterday and told him he couldn't even do that right. He said no. I don't really know what he meant. I just kept going. Thinking maybe he was trying to play it up to get sympathy so he wouldn't get in trouble. I told him that. Then I said I wouldn't let him get away with it. That what he did was unforgivable. He can't just make jokes like that," Keith said.

"Oh Keith. Oh no," he whispered.

"He can't play jokes on us like that Shiro!"

Shiro shook his head and pulled Keith into a tight hug knowing Keith wouldn't want anyone to see his face when he told him what happened, "he wasn't playing any jokes Keith. He…..he froze."

Keith stiffened. Guilt washing over him.

"I think he's feeling really bad about killing that Galra soldier," Shiro admitted.

"But-"

"I think that even Lance knows those ships aren't empty but he convinced himself that it's only drones because he doesn't want to face that reality. And now he doesn't have a choice but to face that reality."

"How do you know all this?"

"When I talked to him last night he said that he wished he'd reacted sooner. I knew immediately that he meant he froze up and couldn't shoot right away. I won't tell you any more than that unless it gets to a point I need to share with the rest of the team and I didn't plan to tell you any of this either, but I think you need to know that he wasn't joking around. He froze and he regrets that but he also didn't want to kill anyone. He still pulled that trigger though to keep you guys alive."

Shiro let Keith go and started walking in the direction of the training deck. The unsaid invitation hung in the air and Keith followed. He needed to work through his feelings a little before he decided what he would do next.

Lance, finished returning Blue to her hangar, headed in the direction of Yellow's hangar. Hunk was there just as Shiro said and he quietly sat next to him waiting for him to have a minute.

"Hey buddy," he said still focusing on the part of Yellow he was working on.

"Hey," Lance whispered in return.

He leaned to the side letting his head rest of Hunk's shoulder. They did this often enough that Hunk wasn't bothered by the extra weight on his shoulder and Lance wasn't bothered by the jostling of Hunk moving.

"You ok?"

Lance didn't respond. He didn't want to say he was ok but he didn't want to admit he wasn't either. Instead he passed the first aid kit to Hunk.

Hunk put another thick layer of the gel on Lance's hands then very carefully wrapped his hands again, fighting back the urge to put him in a cryo-pod. His hands weren't infected but they weren't in very good shape either. He knew that Lance hated the pods ever since he'd been stuck in one but as long as he was still healing he would let him suffer through this way.

"What happened?" Hunk asked.

He had noticed Lance's tear stained face immediately but knew to give Lance the time to calm down or relax before asking. It usually paid off and got Lance to open up to him.

"Keith," he said.

It did not pay off as well this time but he knew enough. Keith had said something to upset him. He was waiting for this. It was only a matter of time before they were near enough for one of them to set the other off. He was just sad that it had clearly upset Lance this much.

He sighed and pulled Lance practically into his lap to smother him with hugs.

Hunk did have to ended their hug moments later announcing that he needed to start on dinner. Lance offered to come and help, which Hunk was more than happy to accept.

They made some kind of alien lasagna out of ingredients they'd procured on one of their missions and it was delicious. The entire group, minus Pidge who was still healing, sat around the table eating silently. Lance kept his eyes firmly on his plate avoiding catching either Shiro or Keith's eyes. He didn't want to talk about what had happened in the hall. He flinched internally, he was usually the one telling everyone that they needed to open up about what was bothering them so they could fix the problem together. Now he was doing the same thing and Hunk, bless him, was desperately trying to get him to open up about everything without pushing him too far. He thinks he'll eventually get to that point but for right then he just wanted to eat and go find something to keep him occupied.

No one spoke during dinner. Not even Coran tried to regale them with one of his stories. Everything was quiet and awkward. It was entirely his fault. He risked a glance around the table; Hunk watched him with those understanding eyes letting him know he was here if he wanted to talk, Shiro was also watching him a little suspiciously probably trying to figure out if he was alright or not, Keith stared at his food like he had been doing all evening and Coran and Allura kept exchanging glances with each other then staring at all of them very concerned. He opened his mouth, then closed it and returned to finishing his dinner. It was totally awkward.

Plate empty, he stood from the table and silently went to wash his dish. Hunk quickly grabbed his arms before he could start and backed him from the sink.

"We just changed your bandages not that long ago," he explained.

"I can still-"

"Don't worry about it Lance. You look tired, maybe you should head to bed? Or do you want to watch a movie? I'm done everything I wanted to get done and could go for a movie."

Lance initially wanted to say no but realised that a movie would be a great way to kill some time and he didn't want to go to sleep again just yet.

"Sure buddy, I'll get everything set up for us ok?"

Hunk smiled and Lance felt himself returning the smile before leaving the room.

Hunk walked into the room with what looked like cups of the strange hot chocolate he'd managed to create as well as a few cookies and other treats. Shiro followed close behind a gentle smile on his face dragging Keith behind him.

Lance did not want to stay and watch the movie anymore. He was about to get up and voice this when Hunk sat down next to him pulling him against him, a silent message that Lance was not going anywhere. Shiro seemed to be doing the same thing with Keith, who still looked angry from their earlier incident.

After the movie ended Lance jumped to his feet, announced that he was tired and all but ran from the room towards his bedroom. He did not slow down until he was safely locked away in his bedroom then started his nightly cream rituals. He did not have a sink in his bedroom and regrettably had to walk to the washrooms and risk another run in with the others.

Hunk walked into the washroom behind him, smiled that he was doing his skin care regiment and left shortly after without further comment. He'd moved his mattress back to his room sometime earlier and Lance was both grateful for the alone time and already missing someone to chase away his nightmares if they came again.

On his way back to his room Lance passed Keith but this time didn't give him an opportunity to start something and rushed back to his room. They'd made brief eye contact and were both sporting looks of panic. Lance frowned at that, Keith panicked? There was no way.

He didn't give himself anymore time to think about it and climbed into his bed. Well he had to put his mattress back on his bed before he could do that but it didn't take long to put his bed back together before he started drifting off to sleep. _You did what you had to do to keep everyone safe. Please no nightmares tonight._ He chanted.

 _He was inside a Galra ship. If he hadn't already just known instinctively it would have been obvious because of the purple motif._

" _Please no, we have no where else to go!"_

 _Lance followed the screaming and found a Galra woman with 2 small children being dragged from a room._

" _Emperor Zarkon requires these quarters for his soldiers. There are no soldiers currently living here, you must leave."_

" _My husband was killed merely yesterday by a paladin of Voltron! Does that mean nothing to you?!"_

 _Lance froze. This was everything he had been dreading, his family. They were being forced from their home because he had killed that soldier. He watched in horror as they were dragged down the hall and thrown in a small pod._

" _You are condemning us to death!" The Galra woman screamed clutching her two children to her._

" _Vrepit sa."_

 _The pod was launched from the ship and the soldier turned away as if he hadn't just shot a family into space with no rations._

 _Lance lunged to the air lock and watched in horror as the woman banged against the window clearly begging for someone to help them._

Lance jerked awake and quickly sat up clutching at his chest. Another nightmare. He clutched at his shirt catching his breath. Twice now he'd fallen asleep and had nightmares. Why hadn't he had one the first night? Was it because Hunk was here and had protected him from them? Or was it because he was so dead tired his brain couldn't function enough to let him dream?

Hoping it was option number 2 Lance climbed out of bed and walked to the washroom to wash his face. Once done he directed himself straight to the training deck and ran laps until he couldn't feel his legs anymore. His body hit the floor and he descended into a dreamless sleep.

Shiro woke him up some time later looking worried.

"Are you ok?" He asked.

Lance rolled onto his back and slowly managed to sit up.

"Lance?"

"Yeah, sorry Shiro. I'm fine. I just came to run some laps and must have fallen asleep when I stopped to rest for a minute," he lied easily.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

Lance held his hands up plastering on a smile, "Nope I'm all good. Just thought I'd get some exercise this morning that's all."

"I come here every morning to train Lance and I've never seen you here before. Are you sure you ok? Are you sure you don't want to talk? It's 0500."

Shiro was clearly not buying it. Abort mission, abort mission, get out while you still can.

"I'm sure Shiro. I'm going to go have a quick shower and then see if Coran is awake to help me change my bandages," he said backing very slowly from the room.

He did go for that quick shower and Coran was, thankfully, still up or was already up and about for the day. He was more than happy to help Lance bandage his hands and used a different ointment than the gel he and Hunk had been using.

"The stuff in your first aid kits is good enough to heal minor burns or at least keep them clean long enough to get back to a cry-pod. This stuff here will fix you right up. Lance my boy, why not just hop in a pod. It'll have you fixed up in a few dobashes."

"It's ok Coran. It's not bad enough to need a pod or anything," he said.

"Well alright. But we can put you in one at any point ok?"

"Thanks Coran!" Lance waved leaving the med bay. He purposely avoided looking in the direction of Pidge's healing pod.

So, the good news is that he can avoid any dream if he pushes himself to exhaustion. The bad news is that he can't just run until he drops in the training deck. He had to have just enough energy to make it back to his room so he didn't have anymore of these confrontations between himself and the others.

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I hope you guys liked this chapter. Please feel free to leave a comment I love receiving any kind of feedback. I know Keith has seemed a little harsh in this but remember he's not great with other people just yet. He'll get there though I'm sure.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much for reading this far. It was really nice to get this idea I've had for a while finally written out. Thank you so far to the few who have already favored and followed this story, it's very much appreciated! Please enjoy!

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Lance successfully ran himself ragged for the next two nights leaving himself just enough energy to make it to his bed before dropping into unconsciousness.

On the third night Pidge had come out of her cryo-pod. The others had all gone to meet her and make sure she was ok but Lance, as he had with Keith, avoided the med bay. He chose instead to start his run earlier tonight. He did not time it right as the others were escorting Pidge to her room as he was heading back to his and he bumped into them.

He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at them. What little energy he had left was burning through him quickly and even the added adrenaline of being startled by the meeting wasn't going to keep him awake much longer.

"Hey," Pidge whispered trying to keep herself awake.

"Hey," he whispered back.

Keith looked livid. Lance glanced at him but felt his eyes start to droop and pushed past the group to disappear into his room. He didn't make it to the bed instead sleeping on the floor just inside his room.

The problem with running until you drop, well running until you're about to drop but then have just enough energy to make it to your room so you can sleep in your bed and not freak out your team mates, is that your body starts to get stronger. Even after only a few quintants Lance was needing to run longer and harder to get himself tired enough for his dreamless sleeps.

He had started out doing better in group training and Shiro and Allura were even complimenting him. But he couldn't keep it up. Between running himself ragged, training and being a member of Voltron Lance was starting to run on empty. He ached all the time and while he could run for vargas now he couldn't do much else. He was starting to get lectured again because he was too stiff from running all the time and was having trouble dodging during training. Not to mention he was always running if he wasn't training or eating lately.

He needed to slow down or he was going to hurt himself and hurting himself was never the point to any of it. He just wanted to avoid the nightmares. Yes, he realised there was probably a better way to deal but he didn't want to burden the others and at this point it had been too long to really ask for help. Shiro thought he'd gotten over it and Hunk had stopped watching him. He just needed to suck it up.

He slowed his running down to a point that he was just getting a healthy amount of exercise and was no longer forcing himself until he was ready to drop. He started doing his skin care routine once more as well, which was a good idea since Hunk had made a comment about not seeing him doing it lately.

 _He was back on Earth. His family wash rushing to Blue to welcome him home. Smiling he stepped on the beach and opened his arms to his family. They all stopped and looked at him horrified._

" _Murderer!" His_ _Mamá_ _yelled backing away from him._

" _No_ _it's_ _me Mamá!"_ _Lance yelled reaching for them._

 _The sight of the red on his hands drew his attention. He turned his hands so he could see his palms. They were covered in blood, so much so they were dripping. It wasn't his blood either._

 _He looked back to his family horrified. They wanted nothing to do with him and started backing away from him._

 _He reached out to them again._

His hand was still reaching out when he woke up. He dropped his hand onto his chest and clutched at the fabric of his t-shirt. He let his tears flow freely down the sides of his face. His heart ached. He wanted to go home. He wanted…he wanted to be over this. He would be useless to the team if he couldn't get himself under control. This was war and he was being an idiot if he thought this was going to be the first and last time he was ever going to need to take a life. Why couldn't he just get over this?!

He climbed out of bed, there wasn't a chance he was getting back to sleep again. He pulled his tablet out and sat it on his desk. He might as well do something to keep himself busy. He opened up the program he'd been asked to start using months ago to learn Altean. He hadn't put much thought into it before assuming he'd be able to ask for Coran to translate anything he needed. It wasn't like he needed to be able to read it for repairs or anything important considering all he really seemed responsible for was cleaning and Coran had already told him what each of the cleaners did.

 _Lance glanced through the scope, he had a clear view of Keith and if he moved slightly to the left he'd have a clear view of Pidge too._

 _Pidge's scream startled him and he dropped his gun down to look at her. The Galra soldier was standing behind her with a large knife lodged into her back. He screamed out a warning to Keith but it was too late the soldier had ripped the knife out of Pidge's back and plunged it into Keith's throat._

Lance bolted up panting. He clutched the fabric over his chest and forced himself to take big deep breaths and release them. He climbed from his bed and booted up his tablet to where he'd left off the night before. Part of him wanted to go back to running himself ragged but he knew that eventually he'd have to face this. Better to work his way through the nightmares now than keep putting it off. It wasn't helping him before to avoid them anyway.

 _The Galra dragged the screaming woman and her 2 children to the airlock. They had no use for leeches on their ship. The younglings were too young to serve lord Zarkon and the female would not be able to serve either._

 _The small family was launched through the airlock, not even given a small pod to give them a chance._

Their screams continued to ring in his ears even after he'd woken. He climbed out of his bed and sat down at the desk, clutching his shirt. He started up his tablet starting to get used to this new routine. He was waking up in less of a panic which meant he was either getting better or getting used to it. Both were still moving forward right?

The others had taken notice of the dark circles under Lance's eyes. He didn't tease them or crack jokes during training. He also didn't touch his bayard any more. He rarely went to the training room outside of team training other than to run.

"He used to practice shooting before, not often but more than he is now. He'd brag about his sharpshooter skills and annoy the living quiznak out of me until I left," Keith said.

Shiro had definitely noticed the change in Lance and berated himself. He should have forced him to sit down and talk about everything sooner.

Hunk had approached him a few times but Lance always responded with some sort of flippant response that never made Hunk feel any better then he'd leave, usually disappearing into Blue. It seemed that she was the only one he was willing to open up to.

Allura was worried too, Shiro noticed, she had a very different approach to showing it though. She worked them harder and called Lance out more and more. That might work for some people, someone like Keith maybe who'd either explode on the spot or work his way through it. But it didn't work for Lance. He just closed himself off more and got sloppier and more unsteady.

They were still able to form Voltron just fine but there was most definitely a strain there. It wasn't until Shiro had really looked him over that he realised what that strain was. Lance looked like he wasn't sleeping. He was probably exhausted and holding as much of it back as he could when they were all linked. No wonder they were all so drained after.

Shiro needed to talk to Lance. He would force him to open up to him if he had to. He had told Lance that he wasn't going to drop it but once he'd seen Lance supposedly doing well he did. He cursed himself. How did he always let Lance get dismissed and slip to the wayside every single time? Why didn't he notice these things until they were this close to the breaking point with him?

Pidge was standing outside Lance's door when Shiro approached.

"He isn't in there," she said staring at the door.

"You ok?" He asked putting his hand on her shoulder to turn her towards him.

She shook her head and lunged into him for a hug. He picked her up easily and carried her to the lounge where he knew no one would be right now. He looked at Lance's door frowning, he was doing it again. He was pushing Lance off to take care of Pidge. He sighed. Pidge was right here and he wouldn't push her away to find Lance but he felt guilt pool in his gut as he had just told himself he wouldn't do this to him anymore. He still planned to find him and talk with him tonight though. It didn't ease the guilt that this seemed to be his default; This, Lance can take care of himself while he took care of the others, situation that he created. It wasn't fair to Lance.

He did consider telling Pidge took take a nap and he would find her later but she so rarely was willing to tell him when she was upset and outright seek comfort.

"You're not as good at this as Lance is," she whispered.

"I'm trying," he said.

"He always knows when somethings wrong. Sometimes before I even notice. He's always forcing me to take breaks and eat something when I get too caught up with work. Sometimes he just sits behind me and just sort of curls around me. It's really soothing. Puts me to sleep every time," she said tucking her head under his chin.

Ah, that was it. Lance took care of her usually so she didn't have to come looking for him.

"How often does he do that?" He asked.

"Maybe every couple of quintants. Sometimes he takes me back to my room but usually he just stays there with me until I wake up again," she said smiling to herself.

He placed her down on one of the couches in the lounge and sat next to her giving her the choice to come back into the hug or sit on her own. She pulled her legs against her chest and wrapped her arms around them resting her head on her knees.

"What's going on with Lance?"

"I was actually on my way to check on him when I found you," he admitted.

"He hasn't even really looked at me since I came out of the pod. I don't know what's going on with him and when I try to ask he just disappears into Blue who won't let me in. What happened?"

"I think he feels guilty that you got hurt," he admitted.

He had told Keith just enough to get him to stop hunting down Lance to lecture him. He figured he'd tell Pidge enough to ease her as well. Pidge was unconscious though and didn't know the full extent of what happened.

"But I'm ok and everything is ok now. Why is he still?" She didn't finish her thought leaving it open for Shiro to interpret.

"I think he's dealing with something a little bigger than that and we're just going to have to show him that we're here for him ok?"

Pidge nodded and yawned. Shiro chuckled and grabbed a blanket, that had been left in the room sometime ago then draped it over her. She slumped back against the couch fast asleep.

" _Get away from us!"_ _Mamá_ _yelled pushing the younger kids behind her._

" _Lo siento Mamá_ _," Lance said reaching for her._

 _Blood poured from his hands staining the ground below him. Their horrified faces blurred as tears poured from his eyes._

 _The world twisted and he was watching the soldier plunge his blade through Keith's chest while Pidge's body dangled limply in his other hand. He screamed, trying desperately to save them but his arms wouldn't cooperate. He closed his eyes tight before the soldier dragged his blade back but he heard it, the squelching sound of the blade coming free of Keith._

 _He opened his eyes as the screams of the woman and her two younglings begging for help surrounded him. He watched in horror as they were executed because their bloodline was clearly too weak to deserve to survive. They needed to make more room for worthy bloodlines._

 _He was back on the planet again. Keith and Pidge were ok. He took a deep breath in. No soldier, no sentry's and everyone was alive. Fear prickled at the back of his neck as he realised he wasn't laying on the ledge alone. He turned his head and there was the soldier._

" _You killed me," he said._

" _You were going to kill my friends," Lance said._

 _This is what Shiro had told him. He'd done what he had to do to keep them safe._

 _The Galra soldier crawled to his knees and draped an arm around Lance's shoulders. The lowered himself down again this time with his chest pressed against Lance's back._

" _What are you?"_

" _Since you killed me. I'm going to make you kill them," he said pointing at Keith and Pidge._

 _Lance struggled trying to free himself from where he was being pressed against the ground. It was no use though; his arms and legs weren't cooperating again. The soldier took both of Lance's hands and placed them on his bayard already activated into the sniper rifle. He positioned the scope so that Lance was forced to look through it._

 _He desperately tried to close his eyes but his body would not listen to him._

 _The soldier lined up the shot. Lance was forced to watch as his own fingers were pushed down to pull the trigger. Keith dropped to the ground, blood pooling around him. The soldier moved them so that Pidge was now seen in the scope. She hadn't noticed Keith and was unaware of the rifle pointed at her. Once more Lance was forced into pulling the trigger and Pidge went down._

Lance still heard the laughter as he lunged forward out of the pilot's chair. He emptied the contents of his stomach into the bucket he'd accidentally brought with him once he'd finished scrubbing Blue down earlier.

He felt Blue surrounding him with her presence. He needed to know the others were ok. He'd never had a nightmare like that before. Not only had his dreams never merged together like that before but the end part where he, where he killed Keith and Pidge was new. He needed to make sure they were ok.

Blue send him the reassurance from the other lions that their paladins were alive but something was off about Green. Lance pushed himself shakily to his feet and launched from the cockpit on the hunt for the others. Blue let him know that Green said Pidge was in the lounge and he tore off in that direction.

Shiro had just been ready to look for Lance when he burst in the room and rushed past him towards Pidge. He was shaking as he leaned over her waving his hands up and down like he was debating waking her. Resolve seemed to settle in him and he snatched Pidge into his arms off the couch and clutched her to him.

She was startled from her sleep and started to struggle but Lance fit her against him and started running from the room.

"Lance! What the quiznak?!"

He felt guilty that he was upsetting her but he needed to find Keith. He didn't respond to her as he ran full speed with her in his arms to the training deck. If Keith wasn't with Shiro, and yes he'd noticed Shiro when he rushed into the room and realised that he was following them, then he was probably training.

Pidge seemed to understand that something was wrong and just clung to him.

He burst through the door yelling for the simulation to end. Keith spun towards them bayard at the ready but quickly dropped it when he realised who it was. Lance grabbed Keith's shoulder and forced him to kneel and his knees gave out below him. He sat clutching Pidge and Keith then, hands shaking, checked both of them out to make sure they were both uninjured and alive. He again clung to them once he was satisfied that they were physically ok and started to cry.

Immediately both Pidge and Keith stiffened, which only made Lance cling to them tighter. They exchanged confused glanced but held tightly to Lance.

"Lo siento," he whispered between breaths.

"Lance, we don't understand," Keith said.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he murmured clutching them both against him.

Shiro burst into the room panting. He was both impressed that Lance could so completely outrun him while carrying Pidge and worried because he'd taken off with her in the first place.

"Is everyone ok?" He asked.

Pidge laid her head on his shoulder clutching him just as tightly as he was holding onto her. She felt her heart break with each apology that left his lips.

Keith felt uncomfortable but part of him understood that something had set Lance off and he needed this. He'd been feeling guilty since Shiro told him what had actually happened back on that planet. That Lance was feeling guilty he had froze and wasn't able to prevent them from being hurt. He'd wanted to approach Lance a few times but couldn't find the courage in himself worrying he'd make it worse.

Lance murmured apologies to them until he felt Keith start to shuffle uncomfortably. He made one more apology and leaned back, releasing them both from his grasp. Pidge immediately crawled behind him and wrapped her arms and legs around his waist resting her forehead on his back. He grasped her hands around his stomach gratefully. Keith shifted so that he was sitting cross legged next to him, his right shoulder pressed against Lance's left shoulder facing away from him.

He kept his eyes on the ground as he heard Shiro approaching them and looked up meeting his eyes when Shiro sat in front of him.

"Ready to talk about it now bud?" He asked quietly.

"I'm… I'm not ok Shiro," Lance whispered bringing his hands up to cover his face.

"Tell me what you're feeling," Shiro said.

"Should we leave?" Keith asked starting to get to his feet.

Lance grabbed Keith's arm tightly preventing him from moving away and pulled him back to where he'd been sitting before.

"I just, I'm sorry-"

"Stop apologising," Pidge pleaded.

"I just need you guys to stay. I need to know you're ok," he whispered.

"We won't leave then," Keith said gently.

"Let's start there then ok? Why do you need to know their ok?" Shiro asked, putting his hand reassuringly on Lance's knee.

"I've been having nightmares. This one was the worst one so far."

"Tell us about them," Pidge murmured into his back.

"They were usually around the same three stories. It was either what happened to the soldier's family after I killed him, we make it back to Earth and my family doesn't want anything to do with me because of the blood on my hands, or the soldier kills you two because I killed him so he was going to make me watch him kill you."

Pidge gasped behind him and tightened her hold on him she hadn't been made aware of all the details of what had happened. Keith was just as stiff beside him.

"Usually Blue gets the other lions to reassure me that you guys are ok but today was different. Tonight, was so much worse. I…he made me….." Lance took a deep breath, " it was a mishmash of all of them but then there was something different. I was back on the planet, looking through my scope and making sure you guys were ok. Then the soldier was next to me and I couldn't move. He…he took my hands and put them on my gun….he….I….he lined up the shot….but he wasn't looking through the scope I was…..and then he forced my finger to pull the trigger and….and Keith you…you were first. Then Pidge….he lined it up again….Pidge went next. He just laughed. I…."

He couldn't stop the tears from falling and he couldn't catch his breath. He clutched the fabric over his chest trying to take deep breaths.

They sat very quiet and very patiently waiting for him to calm down. Shiro kept his hand on Lance's knee, squeezing gently to let him know that he was still there. Keith leaned heavier against his side and Pidge clutched to him so tightly. His hand slowly loosened its grip on his shirt and he held tightly to Pidge's arms around him once more.

"When I woke up they tried to reassure me that you guys were ok but Green seemed worried. I was carrying you here before I even fully realised what I was doing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he trailed off into apologies.

"We said no more apologies," Keith whispered nudging Lance.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

They all chuckled.

Lance sat feeling the three around him, drinking in the comfort they were offering him.

"We're going to talk about this more tomorrow Lance," Shiro said watching Lance wobble, "but I think you need to go back to sleep."

"No, no. I'm up for the night. I'll just go back to my room," Lance whispered.

"No Lance. You need to get a real night's sleep. How were you doing it in the beginning or did the nightmares start later?"

"I uh, I was running until my legs went numb and I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I was too tired to dream," he admitted.

"You're not doing that anymore either," Shiro said using his dad voice.

"No, no," he said waving his hand, "I realised I couldn't keep it up and I was just going to hurt myself. Besides literally running from my nightmares wasn't going to get me through them anyway. I'll just go to my room until you guys are all up for the day," he said trying to untangle himself from them.

"Lance," Pidge said refusing to let go.

"Hmm?"

"Please sleep."

Her voice was so quiet and so pleading and Lance didn't stand a chance against it. He stopped struggling and slumped down then leaned back into her.

"Fine," he said grumpily.

Shiro climbed to his feet first and then helped Lance, with Pidge still clinging to his back, up. Keith scrambled up next to them. Lance unconsciously wrapped his arms under Pidge's legs to support her on his back and she shifted her hands from around his waist to around his neck.

"Is there anything we can do for you?"

Lance looked at the ground suddenly, blushing.

"That seems like a yes?" Keith asked.

"Um…..could you guys…..would you mind if I slept with you guys in case I had another nightmare so I could check on you guys easier?"

Keith looked away blushing, Shiro laughed and Pidge tightened her hold on Lance leaning her head against his shoulder.

"Of course," she whispered.

Keith nodded.

"Why don't we all sleep in the lounge tonight so we can check on each other if we want," Shiro suggested.

Lance smiled shyly at them and nodded.

"I'll let Hunk know and we can meet in the lounge with our mattresses and pillows ok?"

They all split up, Lance piggy backing Pidge to her room first. He grabbed her mattress while she grabbed her pillow and blanket, letting him baby her a little. She changed quickly into her Pj's while Lance waited in the hall and then they went to his to get his stuff too.

Hunk was waiting with his stuff there already and some snacks. They watched a video then slowly fell asleep. Hunk was on one end on his back with Lance's back pressed against his side. Hunk had his arm to the side and Lance had his pillow propped against it. Lance was sleeping on his side with Pidge was curled into his chest, his arms draped around her. Keith was next to Pidge. He'd initially tried to curl up at the couch but Lance had subtly pointed out where he wanted him and he couldn't say no. At some point Lance's arm over Pidge stretched out and slightly held onto his arm. Keith sighed but took Lance's hand in his, linking their fingers together so they wouldn't come apart while they slept. The smile that curved across Lance's face settled Keith's nerves and he felt that finally he'd done something to help him.

Shiro curled up on the couch above the others. He'd purposely left his mattress in his room so he could sleep on the couch. He wanted to be able to get to any of them if they needed him without worrying about untangling from the group.

Lance startled awake, quieter than usual. He took a few deep breaths and looked around the room. His hand was still clutched in Keith's and Pidge was still pressed against him. They were both breathing and ok. He took a few deeper breaths, letting the nightmare go, and slowly wiggled his way out of the cuddle puddle he'd created.

He looked over the group one last time and quietly crept from the room. Blue hummed in the back of his mind and he reassured her that he was ok. He entered the bridge happy to see he would be alone. He pulled up the map and found Earth with practised ease.

"Lance, what are you doing up?" Coran asked stepping up behind him.

He jumped, completely startled and clutched at his chest.

"Apologies my boy, I was merely keeping watch and saw you walk in. Is everything alright?"

"Have you ever killed anyone Coran?" Lance asked.

Out of everyone on the castle Coran was the one-person Lance could ask anything. He didn't have the worry about burdening him, Coran had more than once told Lance that he was here for him. He should have come to him sooner.

"I have," he said simply.

"Did…. Did it bother you?"

"Yes, it did. Lance, taking someone's life shouldn't be easy. But," he said taking Lance's hands in his and tilting his head to make eye contact, "that doesn't mean you should spend the rest of your life living in that one moment either."

He opened his mouth then closed it. He didn't know how to respond. He wanted to agree or disagree, he wasn't sure which. Coran wrapped him arm around Lance's shoulder and sat them both down on the stairs, side by side.

"I know you've been going through a lot because of this. I was waiting for you to seek out someone to talk to and I'm sorry I waited so long. I should have approached you sooner. I know that Shiro told you that you did what you had to so that the others would be safe and he wasn't wrong. But that's just one coping mechanism. We will all understand if this war is too much for you. But we both know that you don't want to give up Blue either. And you would never sit on the side lines while the others put themselves in danger. You thrive best when you're protecting something or someone. You would hate not being there to protect them."

Lance nodded.

"But you need to come to terms with what it will take. This is most likely not the first life that has ended because of your actions. We both know the probability of the ships we've destroyed containing only sentry's is low. This won't be the last time you need to take a life either. This is war Lance. No one can absolve you of your guilt over this. And frankly I hope there is never a time that you are indifferent about having to kill. It should never be easy to take a life but I do hope that you are better prepared for the next time."

Lance nodded again. He was listening closely.

"Lance. You truly have a beautiful spirit. I don't wish it to be darkened further. War is difficult but it is made less so with someone like you around. Someone who makes sure that everyone takes breaks and eats on a regular basis. Someone who is willing to sleep in an awkward position to give someone a small nap in their hangar so that you are completely sure they've gotten enough sleep. Someone who is willing to listen to an old mans tales while they scrub cryo-pods because no one else has the time to help or listen."

"Thank you, Coran," Lance said leaning to rest his head on the mans shoulder.

"My pleasure my boy, my pleasure. Now," he said bringing them both to their feet, "I think you'd better skedaddle back to the others before they wake up and worry that you've gone missing or hidden from them again."

"Yeah, yeah," he said waving as he walked back the way he came.

"And Lance?"

"Hmm?" He said turning back around.

"You did do the right thing. The other two are alive and safe because you shot that soldier. Whatever has happened because of that soldier's death isn't something that you should focus on. If you ever feel like you did the wrong thing I want you to look at the others and ask yourself if not pulling that trigger would be worth their lives. Even if it's the only thing that keeps you sane I want you to look at those two and ask were their lives worth it?"

"Worth it," Lance said looking at the ground. He looked back up at Coran a small smile tugging at his lips, "they'll always be worth it."

Coran nodded, smiling back, and waved him off.

Lance climbed back in between Hunk and Pidge who both immediately rolled to sandwich him between them. Keith opened his eyes and glanced over at him. Lance reached his hand out towards him and Keith took it without pausing. They smiled softly at each other and drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Thank you again for reading my fic. I put alto of effort into this and although it's finished please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you thought. I have quite a few more ideas and will hopefully get something new started soon. Lance is definitely not just suddenly better but he's definitely heading down that path and this time he'll work with the others and let them help him. Thank you again for taking the time to finish reading this!


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